As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded