I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
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“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.