Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“We will wed,” I threatened
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory