Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas