“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread