[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Does this dress make me look cat?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Finally, an explanation.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!