I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?