Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
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Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
⛄️
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!