Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
You Might Also Like
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
when someone rings the doorbell
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?