Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
You Might Also Like
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately