Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Ok, but like, how married are you?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.