My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Wise advice
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.