my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
absolutely not
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”