If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I identify as an antique shop.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?