There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
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Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Just grow your own
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.