You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
#gardening
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories