Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
You Might Also Like
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?