Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”