I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.