I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
life finds a way
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Sounds like a bargain
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.