Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
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Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
You can’t rush stupid.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
definitely did not do anything wrong