I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
What personal space?
My dog
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.