“i am a sweet baby”
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what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Good morning.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.