I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My new favorite headline
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
seems fine
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Has there ever been a more American story?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
#dnd #ttrpg
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter