Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”