When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”