[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
You Might Also Like
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
When your parents check you’re ok.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
my dog when i have a friend over
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.