My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
The French cow says MEUX…
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry