I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
You Might Also Like
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
the council will decide your fate
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.