Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,