Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating