How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
happy mother’s day❤️
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate