I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.