I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.