*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
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“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.