one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
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I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT