time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?