The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond