You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Basically.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap