Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
(Electricians.)
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Seems a bit forward
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Nigella has gone too far this time.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“