Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times