[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
You Might Also Like
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”