Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
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Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4