Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Have a lovely day 😊
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.