I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful