I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Education is vital
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch