MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*