Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Go girl power!