[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!