Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.